ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.