i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i think my cat just said my name.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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