I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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