My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
