Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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