Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Everyone says I win the strip club
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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