Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
