I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
