Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
