I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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