I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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