do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
