you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
