4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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