Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
