she woke up with a sticky ear
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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