if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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