i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
