I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The power of my boobs compel you
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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