i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
