my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
