he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
