You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
