I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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