he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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