Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
