i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Houston, we have a squirter
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
