You smell like a Billy Joel song
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
