I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
