I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
