Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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