oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
