Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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