We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
