Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
