Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
