drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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