So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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