i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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