I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
