he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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