a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
