Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?