Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN