I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
