i love accidental penises.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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