I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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