My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
