Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
