Can i not drive my cunt home
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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