I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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