We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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