my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
