I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
