You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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