Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
