Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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